There is absolutely nothing alluring about a man in a pair of skinny jeans. In fact, I’ve found that my natural and immediate response is something akin to the gag reflex you get when the doctor uses his long Qtip looking thing to examine you for strep throat. If a man ever hopes to attract the affections of the fairer sex, he will undoubtedly need to stay clear of the skinny jean fad.
However, to be fair, in my body of research I’ve found that there are some instances in which skinny jeans are the absolute correct answer. These are the only cases in which skinny jeans on men are permissible.
Case #1: If you are Emo
If you are emo, it is pretty much your goal to let the world know how moody, sad, and introspective you are. What better way to let people know that you are completely pitiful than to wear the most hideous looking pants on the face of the earth? Also, it shows that you are way in touch with your sensitive side and could quite possibly break into tears at any given moment. In the case of the emo boy, skinny jeans are almost a courtesy to society at large, warning the rest of us to steer clear. Thanks for the warning.
Case #2: You are a living stereotype
If your favorite past times are comic books and star trek, you are over 30 and still live at home with mommy, and you are completely incapable of carrying on a normal conversation with a woman- wear the skinny jeans. Again, you are doing us all a favor! And I’m not saying there won’t be a woman for you- but she will enter the relationship understanding what she is getting herself into. And that will be a best case scenario for both of you. Bravo, geek, you’re doing it right.
Case #3: You are an aging Punk band
I think it might be law that aging, sell out, Punk bands wear skinny jeans. I think it is in the contract that they sign in blood when they agree to stay angry and produce music expressing this anger at everything and every aspect of society whenever possible. Therefore, we can’t ask them to change.
Case 4: You are Justin Beiber
If you are Justin Beiber, you are already pretty much as disgusting as you can get, so every clothing option is wrong. Why not be the best of the worst? And really? You took a monkey overseas and didn’t have the decency to bring it home with you? Yeah, these pants really deserve you.
Case 5: You are making fun of the skinny jeans
If you host a late night talk show, are going to a Halloween party and want to scare people, you are making a statement to a male friend who wears skinny jeans, or you just really really want to make a friend laugh- YES, please wear the skinny jeans. The more comical you make them, perhaps, the more often poor, misguided men will throw their skinny jeans in the trash.
So in conclusion, if you are not emo, you are not a living stereotype, you are not an aging punk band, you are not Justin Beiber, and you are not making fun of the skinny jeans- JUST SAY NO!
I hope this has been helpful. Please share this important Public Service Announcement with anyone who needs this message.